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Well, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I hope you are all doing okay these days.

I myself have been feeling so up and, (more often,) down lately. (Maybe some of you can relate?) It kind of reminds me of the bad time in college, and it keeps reminding me to try to not make the same mistakes. When it was so hard for me in college, I at that time also felt very alone, confused, and lost. But, this time around, I have a, “road map,” I did not have before.

I think the most frustrating thing is knowing what I should do, and feeling like I am, “watching,” myself not do it. I had developed the attitude of, “Well, at least you can help others that may be stuck somewhere,” but I can’t help but feel incapable all around. Right now, I often ignore even my own advice.

I think I have come to the position that the best thing I can do following my mistakes is to learn from them. I have been going to therapy again, (Go, therapy! I think nearly everyone can use some!,) and I have been trying to learn from my experiences. It’s been a slow thing, and not a straight road, but I think I’m starting to get back on my feet. I saw this great quote,


“You can’t change what’s going on around you until you change what is going on within you.” 


Maybe I shouldn’t think of it as what I, “should do,” and more as what I, “could do.” So, [reader,] what could I, [you,] do?

I could:

Make my bed

Light my candle

Open a window

Light some incense

Do some yoga

Do some breathwork

Go to therapy

Take a shower

Brush my teeth

Do a heart opener

Do legs up the wall

Do 10 minute abs

Go for a walk

Go for a run

Listen to music

Cook

Write

Create

I have done four of the items on my list, and I have a feeling I may do some more. Things on this list help change what’s going on within me in a way that I enjoy. Even just this, what I am doing now: I have missed writing so much, but I haven’t really known what to say. I hope that, if any of you can relate to this feeling of being, “stuck,” that maybe we can share this idea – the first one I’ve been inspired by for a while. Try not to think about what I [you,] “should do,” and think more of it as what I [you,] “could do.” 


What things can you do that make what’s within you, a happy/joyful/peaceful “around you?”


Where I’m at lately, I just think this, “I can try, day by day, to learn from all that happens.” I think that is probably a big part of having a happy life. I have lost some of my naivety, but I still have some roses in my eyes, and I hope to always keep them there. I know that what I focus on becomes my reality. There is still a magic in this world, and I could go out in search of it … knowing that I could, perhaps, find it.

The hardest part is showing up.


I think that we were all at least a little excited when we got word that everything was closing down for a little bit. At the time I thought that I had an entire week open.

I have to say that I was in a very novel place – on my feet. I wasn’t subtracting from a number in my head when I bought groceries anymore. I wasn’t remembering, “You have thirty dollars until your paycheck; should you really buy the nicer coffee?” When I got news that everything was stopping for a while, who knew how long really, I was fortunate that I could still do some work from home. But, if you asked me, I had been given a great, great gift when things stopped. I knew I finally had the thing that I had longed for, for years: I had TIME.

At first I just celebrated. I swam at the pool, I drank champagne, I stayed up until God knows catching shooting stars on my Switch. I lived in two outfits: a bathing suit and shorts and PJ’s. I went for very long walks that felt like they lasted for hours. I slept the sleep that I felt I never got to sleep. It was awesome!… until it wasn’t. As the days began to slip and slide, I started to grow tired of the lack of… everything. 

I started to miss my friends and family back home. I knew that it would be selfish of me to not be careful, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to be selfish. I started to not really care what I did today because I knew it would blend into tomorrow and the next day and the next day. It scared me a little, because even my antidepressant wasn’t really picking me up. I was very lonely and often focused on the stressful things in my life to be honest. I didn’t like being stressed, so I started to ignore my body and the feedback it was giving me. I slept as much as possible and certainly had moments of not treating myself like a temple.

                                                         ***

Here we are just shy of a year later, and I think we can probably agree that this may have been one of the longest years of our lives. I think we have all shared this experience of feeling like we had time on our side, to feeling like we have been stuck in some sort of strange timeless place. We keep being told, more or less, “Keep waiting, keep waiting.”

This year, I’ve forgotten to appreciate my life at many moments. I have taken large quantities of time completely for granted. When I remember people who are sick, people who don’t have time, I feel so terrible. How can I have let all this time just slip and slide by? How can I let this treasure go with so little thought?

As I write, I am in a moment of feeling more alert, more appreciative, and more present. It did not come without some effort. I stopped for a moment, and I really looked at myself. I noticed certain habits and behaviors accompanied my depression, and they weren’t working for me. 

Namely, I noticed that I stopped looking around me. 

I stopped noticing much beyond what was directly in my face – what I was sad about. I sought to dumb my loneliness, my boredom, my faltering grasp on hope. If I had a telescope, I was constantly mega-zoomed in the same family of thought patterns, looking in at the part of my brain that said, “joyless, alone, untethered.” I forgot that I had other options of things to “look at,” that I could, “zoom out.” I was so focused on what I didn’t have that I forgot to notice what I could have. I coped with my perspective by being mean to my body, and I ignored my body when it would let me know it was hurting. 

I realized, with so many people sick and wishing for more time around me, I needed to finally listen to what my body was telling me.

I had stopped showing up and choosing to be present.

I had tried to cover up the sadness out of my brain. That wasn’t working. So, I decided to do the opposite, and to let myself sit fully in my sadness for a few moments. I literally sat in silence for two minutes letting myself be sad. I turned off the music, the TV, stopped the scrolling on my phone… I looked at absolutely nothing but the pain inside myself for a moment. 

I did the, “Noting,” meditation technique where I said, “Yes, you feel this. You accept that you feel this. You are letting yourself feel this. Okay, give yourself a break. Zoom out a little now. What do you hear? Focus on your breath. Now just sit and let your brain go. Note what you think. Let yourself think what your brain wants to think. Okay, step back. Give yourself a break. What do you hear now? What is happening immediately around you? Are you safe in this present moment? What is good in this present moment?”

I realized as I finally gave myself space to listen to myself that I was almost completely absent in the present for days on end. I was ruminating on the good of the past or wistfully looking to, “after,” in the future. 

Guess what? 

We don’t know when, “after,” all of this will come. I know that is sad to say, but it is true. How many more days can I blur into the next day, the next day, the next day, if I stay mega-zoomed on what I wish were different? What else can I focus on? Sometimes the best I can do to jolt myself is to just think, “Take a deep breath. Take another. Take another.” 

Something about remembering that I can choose what I focus on helped me remember that I can choose what I do: I can choose to be present. 

I can choose to take my antidepressant and my D3 in the morning, make my bed, look up an inspirational quote, write it on my calendar, roll my shoulders back, keep my spine straight, and keep going. I’m not doing myself any favors looking down a bottle or not getting fresh air. I am usually happiest when I am sober, exercising, meditating, letting myself be creative. I am happiest when I live in the now and letting myself note what is happening in this very current moment.

I didn’t figure all this out on my own. I’m not sure anyone can figure this thing out all on their own. What worked for me was looking for ways I could engage in mindfulness, and realizing that I’m in control of what I give attention to. 

You may find a different thing that works for you. I usually watch Yoga With Adrienne on YouTube, (I like her current series on breath,) and I have started watching Headspace on Netflix. I have noticed that – if I let myself notice what’s happening, if I remember I can choose what I look at – I usually start to remember to pay attention. I start to choose what I begin to be present for.

I guess the whole point of this post is to say, I am not sure how long I will stay present when I am present. I don’t know how long I will continue to feel better, more alert, happier. I have noticed trends of what I am and what I’m not doing when I’m happy. I hope that this post helps you think about these things for yourself:

What do I keep thinking about? Have I let myself sit for two minutes, eyes closed, and simply think about this – no distractions, no numbing, simply me and this recurring thought or worry?

Did I let myself note this, acknowledge it, and accept it? Can I take a step back now to at my physical body and notice what is physically around it instead of within it?

How can I do this, “zooming out,” to see the bigger picture? How can I still show up even in this waiting place we’re all in together?

The hardest part is showing up: Let’s let ourselves show up.

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know some day it’ll all turn around


Because
All my life I’ve been waiting for
I’ve been praying for
For the people to say
That we don’t want to fight no more
There’ll be no more wars
And our children will play
One day (one day), One day (one day)

Today I went for a run and I heard children laughing. Their laughter made me smile; I actually got goosebumps thinking of the joy of a child. I thought, “My God, thank God for children. They are so resilient; they remind us how to triumph through chaos.”

I haven’t written for a long time. My mom told me, “Kara, write about how things are hard right now. You will make it positive at some point; you always do.” I had told her that I was afraid to write because I knew that I was sad, and I didn’t want to make other people sad with whatever I shared with them.

My childhood best friend said, “Write about not knowing what to write about.”

All I can say is that things are hard for a lot of us right now. We are in the middle of a pandemic, we are afraid, and we can’t be near each other. I didn’t realize how much this would affect me, to not be able to be in a crowd of bodies, our shared heat making the windows sweat, our faces pressing in, the separation between me and you almost indistinguishable. I didn’t realize how very much I treasured being able to hold someone’s hand, being able to give reassurance through a loving touch. I didn’t know how much I wanted to be able to hug my grandma and squeeze her shoulders, soothing her for a moment, knowing how much pain she feels every day. I didn’t know how much I wanted to be able to scoop my kids at work up in my arms and just say, “Hey, I love you, okay? Never forget that. I love you and I believe in you.”

Being afraid to touch people is so hard for me right now. I am sure we all have our pains in this pandemic. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up, and I am not sure I will feel that I am safe to visit anyone I love for the next few months. It really really sucks. That’s the best way I can describe it, as crude as it sounds. I want to hug my Aunt Annie, I want to be able to kiss my grandma Slicker on the cheek, and I want to hold my students’ hands when they feel lost. I feel incredibly sad every day about what we can no longer do right now.

I try to tell myself:

“One day.”

One day we will be able to gather again. One day we will be able to hold each other again; one day we will be able to clasp hands again.  

“One day this all will change.” 

It makes me think of the grand scheme of things. We, across the globe are all responding to this terror and uncertainty. Can’t we find the humanity in each other as we share these same experiences? I want to kiss my grandma’s cheek, I want to give a loving assist to my yoga students in a restorative yoga class, I want to be able to offer a bite of my food without fearing that I could be spreading a deathly illness.

I know this time will pass because all things pass eventually. I know we will have sufferings to attend to, wounds to heal, and fears to repair. I do hope that after all of that is done, we remember the things we so took for granted. Myself, I want to go to a grocery store and pick up each candle in my hand and smell it. I want to touch soft fabrics again and enjoy what they feel like. I want to be able to offer healing touch to people who are in pain. And you know what? I will:

One Day.

The last thing I guess I want to share is this: I listened to a podcast recently, and the guest spoke of being careful not to, “make mountains out of mole hills.” For anyone who isn’t familiar with this expression, it means, “Don’t let yourself be overcome by your daily pains; remember what there is to be grateful for.” The guest spoke of mountains to come. He said, (example – not a direct quote) “I was so worried about these things with my friends, my work, my family. But those are mole hills. The mountains are things like terminal illness, death, life-altering pains. Things we will look back and say, ‘But everything was so great before. Why was I so distraught?’”

Right now I have a lot of mole hills. Maybe you do too. But you know what? Thank God they are not mountains. It is easy to focus on the pains of our life without remembering how much larger, how much more colossal they could be.

Things suck right now for a lot of us. But, let’s not make mountains out of mole hills. Let’s all keep a focus on that beautiful, hopeful, just out-of-reach, 

“One Day.” 

One day this will be so far beyond us that we may forget, as we sit and eat with our families at a restaurant, as we go to a concert, as we give our grandparents a kiss on the cheek, that there was a time that fear ruled us. I look forward to that day, but I sure hope that we don’t forget what we learned in this time.

No matter how different we are, no matter who we are, we generally want to be able to share some sort of closeness with our fellow humans. There was a time that fear was, “the norm.” If there is one thing we can learn during this time, please Lord, let it be this:

Humans love to love each other. 

One day, we will be able to again.

“Have you ever seen a flower grow?

If you did, it would slow you down.

It would remind you that real things take time. And, it’s magic too, isn’t it?”


I recently watched the movie rendition of one of my favorite childhood novels. The cinematic version of, Stargirl, was not quite how I pictured it, but it was still true to its form. It still made me cry.


                                                       * * *


About four years prior I had bought and read the book again, felt my heart light on fire again, and cried as I had the first time I read it. I felt that same strange loyalty to the Stargirl I had read about as a young girl. It felt as if I were reaching into the heart of that childhood promise I had made during my first read.

I closed the book, wiping tears from my face, and remembered the promise I had made to myself back then – that I would never, never forget what I read. As a child, shoulders curled forward, careful, and sweet – I had promised myself that when I grew up, I would be just like her.


                                                      * * *


Stargirl has her own pet rat that sits on her shoulder as she plays the ukulele and sings. She wears long, sifting skirts, she goes for leisurely walks in the desert, saying hello to animals and plants around her. She represents to me an un-tethered, new soul. Stargirl is a work of fiction, but she has been real in my life.


                                                      * * *


“The next time you see a flower sticking up out of the ground or in a vase, just remember that part of what makes it beautiful is how long it took it to grow.”


I love that Jerry Spinelli wrote of this beautiful soul and chose to give her the name, “Stargirl.” I like to think about the fact that we are all made of the same material as stars, that we are made of stardust. From stardust we come, and from stardust we shall return. I like to think of people as glowing, and when we are at our most fulfilled, and when we are at our truest, we shine the brightest. I think that was what was so inspiring to me about this character from this childhood book. She really, really shined.

Now, when I see a beautiful flower or plant, I leave it in the ground. I high-five trees as I run, imagining their soft leaves as encouraging palms. I tweet at birds as I pass them, and I talk to my cat as if he can understand me. I still have so many other ways I could keep that promise to myself, When I grow up, I want to be Stargirl. I love how much this character, made of dreams, letters, and paper, has become a hero in my life.


                                                      * * *


For now, I will do my very best to slow down and watch the plants grow. I will remind myself that real things take time. I will do all I can to be awed by the world.

We can all learn from Stargirl. We can start with taking a slow, solitary walk in the dessert. We can continue by listening to the nothing and everything that surrounds us. We can become the stars, and the stars can become us. When we glow within ourselves, we can finally join the stellar beauty that surrounds us – realizing that the magic has been within us all along.

“The difference between being seen (noticed,) and being judged is the difference between conflict and peace within ourselves, each other, and our world” - Dr. Becky Bailey Today I woke up sad. Rajiv came in to visit me in bed, already up for several...

“The difference between being seen (noticed,) and being judged is the difference between conflict and peace within ourselves, each other, and our world”  - Dr. Becky Bailey


Today I woke up sad. Rajiv came in to visit me in bed, already up for several hours. He saw me trying to go back to sleep, and he encouraged me to get up and run. 

I continued to roll over, grabbing my pillow, protesting. “Get up and run!” he announced. He’s often told me that, “It may the only thing that works for you.”


                                                          ***


I took a lot of coaxing, but eventually I got up, put my socks and tennis shoes on, grabbed my cap, and went for a run, eyes still puffy and bleary even near noon.


                                                          ***

Rajiv is right. Sometimes running is nearly the only thing that works to make me jolt to life. When I feel damn hear empty, he sees me, he notices me, and as a result, I very often find peace rather than conflict in our relationship.

                                                         ***

The sun was warm as we ran. The air felt billowing, cooling, and yet – warm. I noticed insects, wings glistening, as they floated in the air around me. “Look, Rajiv!” I astonished, and pointed out as I ran.  “We haven’t seen this insect flying yet. Do you think this is the day they all hatched?” My gait turned from one of reluctance to one of gratitude.

I felt my belly inflating with each breath. The jitteriness in my heart found a new, safe place to breathe. I wanted to touch each and every delicate bright green leaf, smoothing it with joy between my forefinger and thumb. I wanted to tweet back at each and every songbird. (Although, I do have to say – I sang back to several as I ran! Some even replied in song back to me … or so it seemed!)

I saw that the earth today was truly, truly, gorgeously – waking up. I couldn’t get enough of it! I opened the window as we cooked brunch. We went on two more walks, glistening in the soft spring sun. I saw that bright, bright green, refusing to give up on opening again. I exchanged furtive, kind smiles with strangers I passed as I saw the day with Rajiv by my side.



The rest of the day involved a study of those darker times – trauma. I was so grateful for – and truly – overwhelmed to see how much I had overcome in even a year of progression in my study.

It made me think of how these walks are different today versus a year ago. 

I shouldn’t and can’t ask a stranger to pet their dog; we are practicing isolation in these moments.

I am not allowed to go shadow my same, sweet teacher, and her reaching students, squeezing their shoulders, massaging away bits of pain that haven’t been spoken yet. 

I can’t hold a hurting person’s hand, squeeze their fingers, and look into their eyes.

A child can’t hold her grandfather’s hand.

A child can’t visit in the same room as her sick mother.

We are going through a new trauma together. We are a social species and thrive on gatherings and contact. How will we all respond to this new trauma of separa-tude – as mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, caretakers, truck drivers, grocery store clerks, children, teachers, waitresses, and maintenance personnel?


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We are all broken; that’s how the light gets in. 

- Ernest Hemingway



I believe that every person has his or her own understanding of brokenness. I myself have spent a fair share of time examining this subject. I no longer am pulled by the brokenness of my past, but there was a time that this concept of “broken-ness” ruled me. I have to say from an empathetic stance: The thing about believing that something about you is, “broken,” is that shame almost always accompanies this self-doubt. The worst thing about feeling ripped apart is that you almost always feel unworthy as a result.

One of my favorite current philosophers of shame is Brené Brown. She speaks of shame as being a vehicle of vulnerability. It is so easy to misidentify vulnerability as shame – especially for a person with any traumatic experiences in his/her past.  

I think that almost every person on this Earth feels shame about some thing or another in his or her life. Maybe it’s that feeling of, “I should be [doing something] more; why am I not?” It may be something like, “How could I amount to this thing?  I’m not worthy of such a thing!” It may be that we haven’t made peace with some part of ourselves.

I believe that, whatever our unexplored doubt may be: that is where the light longs to be.



Brené Brown says, “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”


I believe that shame is a call for love and acceptance. Some people along my own journey have heard my call before, and I am forever grateful for it. All I can hope is that I or someone else are able to hear others’ calls for the same.


Some things have been happening in my life where I have witnessed the shame of others I love. To those of you who who suffer with shame, my prayer, my hope for you, is to know the – initially – incomprehensible beauty of acceptance and vulnerability. We are all worthy of love and acceptance. You are wonderfully and beautifully made, and I bow to the Beauty within you.

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What You Want Most

I have been assisting a yoga teacher at Blue Ridge yoga for three weeks now. I feel so lucky to be able to work with her because I think that my imagined vision of instructing yoga is (damn-near) her reality of instructing yoga. 

She starts each session off with a gentle, cleansing savasana, or reclined breathing pose. As yogis lie on their backs and breathe, I have had the honor and pleasure of walking around and giving essential oils to each student. She usually reads her thoughts/observations to her students as they breathe. These thoughts eventually are offered up as a sort of mantra or point of concentration for the yoga session. 

She began our recent shared practice with this quote:

“Discipline is choosing between what you want now, and what you want most.”

This concept really hit me. I have been feeling complacent and slightly stuck lately. I think that this whole thing of moving to another state and not knowing people here has really taken some sort of toll on me. I have been feeling tired and subdued without my family and friends-who-are-family here with me. Of course, I can travel to see them, but it can become a bit of a tired thing, not to mention that I am really hoping to find my own friends-who-are-family here in Knoxville.

When Casey said this quote, I thought about how often I have chosen to be shy or withdrawn around new faces instead of pushing myself into unfamiliar territory. I thought of how I have chosen what seems immediately comfortable in this winter season – blankets and television – over what I really want – health and wellness. It can be so easy to choose what we want now over what we want most. 

The things I want most require action from me, and often that action is uncomfortable. Guess what? Uncomfortable action is … discipline! I am repeating this phrase to myself often these days… “what I want most…”

In the final resting posture, lying on our backs, palms face-up to receive, Casey said, “Discipline is aligning your vision with your actions.” I felt a little silly in my own mind. I thought, “Kara, you have been hiding at home instead of coming to classes here. You have been choosing what is comfortable and easy over what pushes you and helps you grow as a person.”

I am going to do my best to remember, “what I want most.” What I want most is wellness and being able to heal others. How can I heal others if I am in some ways neglecting myself?

I hope that this post helps you all think of that barrier between what we want now and what we want most. If they are one and the same for you, I send my joy and a great big hug your way. If what you want now and what you want most are two different things, I hope to send you a shared commitment to discipline, as well as a great warm hug! 

We are all just students doing our best to learn our way through life.

May the divine in me honor the divine in you.

Namaste, friends.

Treat those who are good with goodness, and also treat those who are not good with goodness. Thus goodness is attained. Be honest to those who are honest, and be also honest to those who are not honest. Thus honesty is attained.  - Lao Tzu


I have been the director of an after-school program for five months – going on six – now. It’s been a whirlwind of questions, stress, and growth. When I started, the program was in some ways chaotic and unguided. I stepped right into shoes that felt too big for me. “Me?!” I thought. “How can I lead 10 + staff, let alone 100 children?!”

I have been trying to stick to my roots: goodness, honesty, and grit. I am willing to pull more than my weight if I need to – although I would like to cultivate an environment which encourages everyone to pull their own weight. I try my very best to lead by example when it comes to goodness and honesty. 

I spoke this week about, “Adverse Childhood Experiences,” or, “ACE’s.” I explained to the staff that Adverse Childhood Experiences are any traumatic experiences a child may come across that could potentially influence their view of the world / their way of interacting with it. Generally, children who have experiences, “ACE’s,” have a largely detrimental experience in their lives. Adverse Childhood Experiences include, but are not limited to:

1.  Unhealthy/Imbalanced physical and/or mental health
2. Physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse
3. Emotional and/or physical neglect
4. Parent(s) with substance abuse disorders, mental health disorders, (attempts at suicide, etc,)
5. Parental separation/divorce
6. Parental incarceration 
7. Household dysfunction, (common yelling, unusual events of trauma/violence)
8. Oppression and/or fear based on class, ethnicity, religion, nationality, etc.,
9. Unstable income – fear based on financial means
10. Hostility and/or bullying 

There is research that says that after XYZ number of Adverse Childhood Experiences, a person is At Risk. This may mean that he or she will underperform academically. He/she/they might act out in other ways. This person may turn to unhealthy means of finding a semblance of peace or happiness in their life.

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Om Gam Ganapateya Namaha One full translation of, ‘om gam ganapataye namaha,’ is more or less, “salutations to the remover of obstacles.” This prayer, this Sanskrit chant, is derived from the idea that Ganesha, the avatar that takes the shape of an...

Om Gam Ganapateya Namaha


One full translation of, ‘om gam ganapataye namaha,’ is more or less, “salutations to the remover of obstacles.”


This prayer, this Sanskrit chant, is derived from the idea that Ganesha, the avatar that takes the shape of an elephant, removes obstacles. As someone who is not Hindu, I sought to translate this wisdom into a more familiar language for me. As I went for a walk today, I faintly sang this song, “Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha.” I felt rejuvenated without understanding the meaning of the words, only feeling the energy of the song.

I believe that Christians see Jesus as the remover of obstacles. The life of Christ has often been described as, “the deliverance of sins,” and there have been verses of the Bible devoted to Jesus’ time meditating in the Garden. It was written that Jesus came across demons in the garden, and they tried to tempt him during his time of prayer. But, he turned away from chaos; he turned away from sin. He came out of the garden without eating or drinking for forty days.

I don’t know if it is ever going to be my duty to neither eat nor drink for forty days, and I definitely hope that is not the case. But, I like the idea that comes with both the Hindu prayer I studied today, and the scripture that talks about Jesus’ time moving past the obstacles in His path. I think there are a lot of people who would want to argue over which Deity is, “correct.” I personally think this all goes against the point. Generally, when it comes to religion and spirituality, I think of that song that says, “We have Different Names for the Same Thing.”

I can’t imagine an All-Knowing, Benevolent Creator caring about the syntax of Who we call What. I can only imagine that same persona caring if the Heart of what we believe is Kind, Loving, and True.

To be frank, I am not even sure I believe in a Benevolent Being creating all that there is. This concept is comforting; don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t take the time to argue that **There Is No** All-Knowing, Benevolent Being. I simply want to say, “Thank God I’m not God:

It isn’t my place to judge anyone, and it isn’t my place to, “Save,” anyone. I would like to think that it is no one’s place to Judge nor Save anyone. I am willing to share any Love and Kindness I have grown to know along the way in my life. All I can really pray, all I can really ask, is, “Dear Universe, may obstacles be removed from my path. May obstacles be removed from all Loving Paths. May I come to equally know and to equally share Your Love.”

People have often asked, “But, wait, are you a Christian?” “But, what do you believe?” “You have to believe in something!”

I believe in everything and nothing. I believe that life is full of purpose and chaos. I don’t believe in fate, and I don’t believe in signs. All I believe is that Love is the Greatest Power of Them All. If you believe in Love, then we Both believe in the Remover of Obstacles.

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“If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.” — Nikola Tesla I have been feeling like I need to bow unto the Earth for energy. My energy has felt slight and depleted overall. I have been looking...

“If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.”
— Nikola Tesla


I have been feeling like I need to bow unto the Earth for energy. My energy has felt slight and depleted overall. I have been looking to nature to restore my depletion. In some ways, She has been able to renew me. But, overall, I have been feeling like a glass half empty.

I have put a lot – perhaps too much – into things that ask for things from me rather than giving me restoration. The main relationship I think of does not necessarily be need to be called to name. The last couple of times I went to yoga teacher training, I spoke of this particular relationship. I spoke of it after a meditation training. My fellow students offered a prayer in honor of my absence, such a beautiful thing. But, prayers can only do so much without a lack of boundaries.

So many of my peers asked me, “Is she okay?” And I said, in some ways, yes, and in some ways, no. I always thanked them. “Thank you for remembering,” I said. “Thank you for thinking of her,” I rejoiced. But, I felt that weight. I felt the weight of loving someone who does not know how to love me in equal. The number of hours I have despaired for her, the number of hours I have supported her… and for her to say tonight: “I think you are speaking from ego and not from love.”

It is not a concern of mine to prove nor disprove whether or not my support is true, and to prove whether or not I have been leading from love. I think Love becomes obvious with time. If love is not withheld and not observed after time, I can only hope that Her Echo will be seen. I cannot spend all my life supporting something or someone who will not see it. Maybe in retrospect it will become clear. But, to live every day, feeling so much distraught, fear, and pain for another… I am a human too, and I have to draw a line somewhere.


The line is drawn today.

The line is drawn today.


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